When my daughter was nearly nine, I faced the danger of being sent back to a forced labor camp. I had no choice but to flee my country, leaving her behind with her father to manage without me. A year later, still having not found me, the police took her father away to an unknown place.
On my daughter's tenth birthday I phoned her to wish her a happy birthday. She said,
“I am not happy at all!”
Tears welled up in my eyes. I asked her, “Is there any news about your father?”
“It's all your fault! It's all your fault!” was her answer…
I was speechless. Coldly she said from the other end of the line, “Do you have anything else to say?”
Tears flooded down my cheeks. I knew she didn't mean to hurt me so deeply, and that these weren't really her own words - she must have heard them from others. Still, my heart ached all the same.
It reminded me about a story I had read a long time ago. It was about a female author from the former Soviet union who had been wrongfully imprisoned. Her teenage daughter wrote to her and asked, “Mother, please tell me, are you guilty or are those who imprisoned you guilty? If it is you, I shall hate you; if it is those who imprisoned you, I shall hate them!” The mother feared that attacking those in power would put her daughter's life in danger, so she decided to swallow a bitter pill and tell her that she was guilty. As a result, they both suffered for the rest of their lives.
I do not intend to walk the same path as this author. But living in a foreign country makes communication difficult. Also, the telephone in our house back in China was tapped and the letters I wrote to my daughter were confiscated before she received them. It is very difficult for me to protect an innocent young heart from being poisoned by the constant lies coming from the country's propaganda machinery.
我想起以前在哪兒看過的一個前蘇聯女作家的故事。這個女作家被冤枉關在監獄里的時候，她十幾歲的女兒寫信給她，問她，媽媽，請你告訴我，到底是你錯還是關你 的人錯？如果是你錯，我就恨你；如果是關你的人錯，我就恨他們。這位母親怕女兒若是恨當權者在外面就會吃苦頭，所以就狠著心腸告訴女兒是她自己錯。結果她 女兒和她都為此而痛苦了終身。
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