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女兒語錄(14)Quote of My Daughter(14)

   By the time of my release from the camp my daughter was eight-and-a-half. I was lucky to be alive at all after narrowly escaping certain death. A few days later, I found a note on the table in my daughter's handwriting. She had written, “Mom, I advise you to stop practicing Falun Gong. Please take a look at this book.”
   Her school teacher had given her a book that described Falun Gong practitioners as murderers and psychopaths. I tried to explain to her that I was a good person, and that the book had been fabricated and was full of lies.
   But she interrupted and shouted desperately at me, “I know you are a good person! But the television says Falun Gong practitioners are bad people! I don't know who to believe!”
   Her dark, sorrowful eyes were sad and she looked like someone who had already gone through too much in life.
   My heart felt a stabbing pain. I wondered how much this young life had endured during my absence? How much had her young heart been hurt? How did she respond when her teachers and school friends asked where her mother was? What other torment did she suffer during my absence? It hurt me to watch her trying to choose who to believe among her teacher, the media, those around her, and her own mother.


   I had to tell her about many things that I would not normally discuss with such a young child: the Cultural Revolution, President Liu Shaoqi, who was killed during the Cultural Revolution, and the 1989 Tiananmen Square Massacre. Although these happenings were very brutal, there was no other way to confront the lies, and convince her to believe me and love me again.
   A few days later, she nodded her head knowingly while telling me what she had discovered. “It seems that whoever is in power stirs up something: Mao Zedong had the Cultural Revolution; Deng Xiaoping had the Tian'anmen Square Massacre; and Jiang Zemin has the persecution of Falun Gong.”
   女兒八歲半時,我九死一生從勞教所里熬了出來。幾天後我看見桌上有張紙條,上面是女兒的筆跡:「媽媽,我建議你別煉法輪功了。請看這本書。」
   「這本書」是學校老師發給她的,裡面將煉法輪功的都說成了殺人狂或神經病。我找到女兒試圖告訴她這本書都是造謠,媽媽是個好人。
   她打斷了我的話,絕望地向我喊道:「我知道媽媽是好人!可電視里說煉法輪功的都是壞人!我不知道該相信誰!……」她黑葡萄般的杏眼里,除了絕望外,更多的是飽經滄桑……
   我的心象刀割一樣地疼。她才八歲!……我不在家的日子里,她小小的心靈經受了多少?當老師、同學問起她的母親在哪裡時她說什麼?在學校、老師、電視、報紙、書本和母親之間,她相信誰?……
   我被迫給她講了很多我原本不愿講給她的事情:文化大革命、劉少奇、老舍、張志新,還有六四。這樣的真實雖然對於整個民族來說都過於沉重和殘酷,但卻很可能是對付謊言的唯一辦法;再說一個孩子最需要的是能夠愛自己的母親。
   幾天以後她搖頭晃腦地總結道:「看來呀,誰都得有點事兒。毛澤東吧,有個文化大革命;鄧小平有個六四;江澤民就有個(鎮壓)法輪功。」
(2017/02/17 发表)
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