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井蛙看画日记:2010-8


   
   
   
   当任何可能都成为不可能时,应该如何去对立这种危机?我想,除了排除一切不可能所带来的负面影响,还是努力去对立一种态度,那就是对自由的理解。我相信,自由是一种声音,它会在最关键的时刻产生最大的效果:释怀。我站在一块石头上听自己发烧的回音,我站在自己的头顶上听一块石头回想昨天的温度,那只是一些解释,不是信仰,也不是出现在眼前的新的符号。

   
   (2010-8-1 JINGWA)
   
   我本来是爱这些长得很好的树的,但是,后来,我轻易地就发现这些树只是几科杂草长成,我失望地看着天空,发呆地想啊,为何静心观看一棵树的眼神也需费如此大的力气。我告诉自己,好好的,把这些树叶摘掉,就像把树上的叶子去掉剩下枝干,让冬天赶快到来,雪去覆盖它们。什么都得有个结局,不会没完没了的。我就相信镜子里的自己是个多么好的人。谁比镜子里的人对我更好?没有了。这是世上最理解我的人。她比谁除了玛儿更能鞭策我。我真不忍心让这么好的人去为别人受伤。我不啊。纳斯瑟斯(NARCISSUS)忧郁的微笑在绝望中走向另一个方向,这是温柔的悲痛,是我永远温柔的悲痛。我实在太爱自己了,这话不知道重复过或者被重复过几遍,但是我还要重提:我甚至想念走在巴黎街道中被雨淋湿的自己,那个自己多么好。我爱这个人。她永远知道如何去怀想另一个真诚的人。我不久前就说过,我这辈子不为两件事后悔:一是成为诗人,二是成为玛儿的朋友。
   (2010-8-2 黄昏JINGWA)
   
   我想念玛儿,非常想。我想念我自己,非常想。我想念玛儿和井蛙,非常非常想。今天,我想到了明天有些人在我的文字里呆着不走,我想念那些呆着不走的人。我是一个不断走路的人,我知道路是走不完的。但是,我喜欢走路,向着自己越走越近。玛儿,你也是。我希望晋逸也是这样。这样,我就不感到孤独了。
   (2010-8-2 JINGWA 晚上)
   
   I always remind myself: I am from The United Kingdom of Muse.
   My passport is my poetry. My husband is literature, and my kids are the books I have written. You don’t know how deeply I love myself! Every time I look at the mirror, she smiles with strong self-confidence, then, leaves home to go to work. I get back from work, look at the same mirror again. She smiles again, so life is peaceful.
   I never live in disorder, or having disorderly relationship with other people, but Sartre says: "hell is other people".
   I don’t compare myself with anyone, because no one is better than me, and no one is worse than me.
   I respect my job so i try to dress up every morning for my colleagues and my beloved Hemingway, Kafka, Virginia Woolf.....
   I speak Chinese, but i am not a Chinese; i speak English, i am not an English either.
   Thoreau teaches me "life is so dear"; Hemingway teaches me "every day is a new day"; Borges teaches me "heaven looks like a library"; and Kafka teaches me "the world is absurd".
   
   (2010-8-3 JINGWA)
   
   I am not a good animal.
   Now I understand why I am not able to live better in other spaces. Sartre doesn't say that I shouldn't sit down to observe a stone see how hot or cold it would be during the day and night. Time always changes our visions for the differences. Your fingers will feel the changing from yourself and other people. When other people have relationship with you and never change any timeline of you, other people should not be considered as “hell”. Otherwise, other people must have misunderstanding of time and space to analyze how good or bad you are in this field. Good and bad are the religious words not usually used for the philosophical thoughts. Yet, it is a standard of morality and esthetics.
   Sartre also doesn't say that you shouldn't touch the water like a dragonfly does, just lightly touch it for satisfying your curiousness of the differences between you and other people. Here, you have to change your own timeline and space for other people even though you just lightly to do it. And other people negatively or positively to do the same thing for you. Unfortunately, other people could be you at times but you’ve never known about the changing. You and other people have a nice relationship with each other on the same timeline, so no one is “hell” now. However, the more the “same” between you and other people, the more the differences between you and yourself. Until you discovering of the difference appears, the “sameness” begins to change into difference. You and other people, standing on the different timeline and space, like going back to the beginning. But, it does not mean the beginning or ending for the first touching, just lightly like a dragonfly. Our focus is on the changing that you block other people’s way in which they are not able to see the road clearly, and other people block your way so that you can’t see your future clearly. You are the “other people”, you are the “hell’ of other people. And certainly, hell is other people as well.
   A relationship, of course, could be possibly and safely staying on the timeline and space without changing of the sameness and difference. It depends on what kind of relationship between you and “other people”. Since other people always change your timeline and space like you change yourself and other people.
   Thus, Sartre doesn't say we shouldn't do those things whatever good or bad, but he says that who blocks your way, who is the “other people”, and “hell is other people”.
   
   
   (2010-8-4 JINGWA)
   
   I told poet Yun Bao that I would write a long poem for life: Let Me Die. The poet said, I shouldn't die by myself. Let’s Die Together. I said ok let’s die together. We will write two same titled poems tonight. The title is very heroic. Let’s Die Together will be written for all artists who have strong belief for arts, for all lovers who are not able to get together for love, and all ultimate concerns for life.
   
   (2010-8-5 JINGWA)
   
   
   I wrote The Northernmost North on June 9th. I went to de Young on June 26th.
   I was thinking about how to use the lightest strength of life perfectly on June 9th. I saw an impressionism painting and found my answer for the lightest strength was on June 26th.
   I planed to write the second poem about the lightest strength of life at the end of July, I found “On the Way Home”, Mary’s watercolor on July 20th. It strongly presents the lightest strength of life and death. Time changes my objects. The changing of things seem always come earlier than the planning. But, I can’t stop to think about the lightness, the changing of an object, and the strength from an object how to make our life so different.
   You first time told me, you were the only one in the forest; you second time told me, you were not the only one in the forest; you the third time told me you were thinking how to be the only one in the forest and led yourself and me went back to the first time we had met. The first had gone already. So, I asked myself, where is the northernmost north? Is it close to you, or far from me? “The first and the last ones had gone. We are neither the first nor the last ones right now. Where we are? In our body clock, what time we are?
   (2010-8-9 JINGWA)
   
   
   
   在某网站看到云抱的《井蛙,井蛙》,这首诗被一簇簇鲜亮的花朵围绕着,感觉好像井蛙已经去世已久。如此隆重的礼仪实在使我快乐。在没死去之前看到自己的葬礼一直以来都是我的梦想。而且,我颠三倒四地想啊,谁哭得最厉害呢?虽然,我知道除了玛儿,其他人都会为失去我而哭。但是,哭得最厉害的恐怕还是玛儿。因为她是艺术家,是真正意义上的艺术家。一个充满灵性的活在人世间的精灵。
   最近我在读JOHN BERRYMAN的诗歌,他是疯子。是真正意义上的疯子。他的诗太好了。我恨不得现在就拥有大量时间,把他翻译给中文世界。我在临睡前读他,在洗澡前读他,在胃病发作的时候读他,我就是无法不读他自己对自己的梦呓。
   诗人啊,他已经疯掉了,可是他能写作这么棒的诗。这点,太像凡高了。
   
   (2010-8-11 JINGWA)
   
   “I am always conceived that the other world is mine”
    --Milosz
   I am the one who never like to write love stories if no one forces me to make one.
   I remember that she mentioned: “I am not here”.
   I understand that he was sad and happy to be: “Mr. Past being no friends of mine.”
   Then he had an idea: “My framework is broken. I am coming to an end.”
   It needs a ruler to measure how far between the ending and beginning of you and me.
   I got drunk this afternoon by a wind blowing.
   I would rather to be a brave loser than a weak winner to win you.
   I seriously have nothing to contact with the other world without me.

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